Why? I asked. Why?...

Jan 23, 2015

The beginning

It started around the Fall of 2009 when I hit rock bottom. The escalating drama that happened inside my mind and around my environment completely overwhelmed me. I wasn't happy with the outcome of my relationships specifically with once trusted friends. They left me out of their leisurely activities and gathering. They went on mini vacations, took many photos and posted them onto social media while my existence wasn't acknowledged.

Why? I asked.

I've tried to have a conversation with my friends, but that brought on more question aversion, false hope and implied blame.
I wasn't given any direct nor honest answers that I expected from real friends. That hurt. They told lies so they can silence me to avoid further questioning. That hurt even more. They would say nice things in the moment, but never followed up with their word when the time arrived. The worst feeling in the world is when you ask someone you trusted a question and the only thing given was false hope. They wanted to shut me up for that moment. That hurt.

Why? I asked.

Other responses I would get indirectly implied that it was my fault for the way things were. At that time, I had blocked my texting capabilities on my phone, because I preferred that people called so I can hear their voices. [We will talk about this in another post] It seemed that since texting was a huge deal to people, that no other method of communication was even an option. Our friendship started off with phone calls in the early 2000's, so why would their answer be valid now? Does social media dictate our long-term friendships? They concluded that my lack of texting was my fault and the reason why I wasn't invited to any outings.
To them, texting does trump friendship. At any given chance, they would ask was if I had texting yet.
Indeed it hurt a lot when my friends would justify their decisions by making statements that weren't true nor matching their intentions. Their actions spoke louder than their words and were highly contradictory. I truly dislike dishonesty and people insulting my intelligence as if they thought that I wouldn't notice. Friends don't do that to each other... unless my friends had already decided that I wasn't their friend anymore... and was treating me accordingly.

Why? I asked.

Even during our conversations, I could feel that they didn't want me around and having an encounter with me was burdensome to them. Yet, I was still holding them as if they were still my true friends. Fighting for answers. Fighting for love. Giving them the benefit of doubt for all of their answers even though I had a bad feeling about them. I didn't understand why I was treated so negatively, but I had hope even though I knew that it was over.
If I had stuck around, I would have been someone who was a nuisance... just like how they treated their other "friends"... Then I realized... I put all the puzzle pieces together. I was treated the same way as the other "friends" who were ignored and made fun of behind their backs. I saw it clearly, but... I kept holding onto hope... false hope... I did not want to believe that!
My days were occupied with what-ifs, whys and what-did-I-do-wrongs. My nights were restless because I kept replaying our conversations, questioning everything and feeling sad, angry and frustrated for the way things were.

Why? I asked...

Rock bottom... My friends didn't like me and it was my fault for being who I am... It hurt being left out from once trusted friendships. It was my fault.

Why? I asked...

No answers... No closure... just abandoned.
Yet, I still wanted love from them. My friends...

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Reinvention

I practice mindful and positive thinking on a regular basis. My constant reinvention enables me to be more open to share my story.I empower people to follow their happiness and see the world with more love in their hearts.

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